“Osofo Maame” by Jesse Jojo Johnson.

Ebenezer always had a strong dislike for charismatic pastors, and now with good reason. He had come to Tech, from his quiet life in East Legon. There, the culture shock had been spiritual; right out of this world. What he thought was a simple Church, where one went for a formulaic mass, sang, chanted, sat, knelt to pray and listened to long announcements as the Sunday morning norm, transformed into a mini rock concert interspersed with sermons and “Sumsum” sessions. Every morning begun with an “Arise unto prayer!”, at every service, someone will scream and fall during the prayers, and every weekend had its own this-that fest, or christo-[insert contrived name] convention.

The charismatic types he found curious, but mostly avoided. Until he did what most young men do when they stay away from home for the first time: he met her.

Akua was slightly plump, endowed in spirit and flesh at both ends, and had a charming smile to top it all. Her Fante was as sexy and saucy as it ever comes, and she gave the “dzes” with enough flair and eye movements to fell the most reluctant.

Things moved quickly form there, and three years after dating, they were married KNUST alumni. Married first at St. Martin’s Church, they went for the thanksgiving at Jesus’ Power Miracle Worker’s Domination and Christian Empowerment Center – International; JPMWDCECI for short.

It was odd, that one: He wasn’t used to having a young, dashing, glossy-haired pastor with his hot bodied assistant pastor/prophetess preach to him in an expensive suit, and ride off in a 2013 E-Class, packed full with ladies of the ministry, doing the Lord’s good work.

The service was long, 4 hours, plus 1 hr intercession, during which the gentlemen prayed over his wife, and the ladies prayed over him in separate, poorly ventilated rooms. There was no communion and no Benediction; they just ended, the Spirit left, and the folks sung and dispersed. But the pastor was very friendly, and they quickly put their trust in the man of God.

Things went quickly from there: The visits became regular, and the little issues that will come up were prayed away by the pastor and his devout wife, often when Eben was away at work. The man of God was really concerned about them, and took special care to help with counsel when he was called.

Eben remembered all these as he turned in the divorce papers and paid off his lawyer.

Now, Prophetess Akua McAddisson-Owusu was osofo maame, and an elder of JPMWDCECI. Her hat had the widest rim behind the pulpit, her face had the brightest smile, and her God-given hips the most relentless shake of them all.

It was a gloomy Saturday afternoon and all these Ebenezer called to mind, as it was his turn at the priest. He swore under his breath the 26th time that afternoon, that he will forever stick to sworn-celibate priests who wore white cassocks and sang Latin prayers.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned…” he began his long confession.

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